CRYPTO NEWS: The U.S. Government Announces Plan to Regulate 'Magic Internet Money' by Hiring a 92-Year-Old Consultant

In an ambitious attempt to "understand what in the hell cryptocurrency is," the U.S. government has appointed 92-year-old Harold J. Beakins as their lead crypto consultant. Beakins, who describes Bitcoin as "sorcery" and still pays for everything with paper checks, will now be responsible for drafting new regulations on blockchain technology.

“Crypto? I heard about that on the television set once,” Beakins told reporters at a press conference. “Sounds like a scam to me, and back in my day, we didn’t have scams, just good ol’ fashioned multi-level marketing.”

The new government plan includes several innovative ideas, such as:

• Introducing a "Proof of Paper" mechanism that requires all crypto transactions to be printed out and notarized.

• Requiring anyone under 40 to take a "Responsible Crypto Investor" class taught exclusively by retired stockbrokers.

• Banning the term "decentralized finance" because "it sounds too socialist."

In response, the crypto community has turned Beakins into a meme, with one post showing him struggling to open a Metamask wallet with the caption: "Boomer tries to DeFi, instantly loses his pension." Meanwhile, Bitcoin has crashed 12% after the government mistakenly classified it as an “unregistered vegetable.”